Holy Week

Take away the pain


The whole Lenten week was a bit of mixed emotions for me. The homily of the priest seems to be heart stabbing that really made me feel sad during those days. There are times that I read my twitter and all I can see are testimonies how great God is and Yes I know He is so great.

I was listening to the song entitled Anima Christi  and my heart really felt like it was stabbed from the pains I was enduring all this time.

 This was the same song I sang before my niece passed away in the ICU. All this time, I can still remember how she look like when she was at the ICU. The look that saying that "I'm waiting for my time." It really pains in the heart to see her. 

Denying the pain that I've felt for quite sometime and go on with the life I have now is more painful now that I reminisce each time. Those were the times that I questioned Him for the things that had happened with my niece and with my life. 

Those times that my niece was in pain, I could not even express my own suffering at that moment. Enduring the pain brought by that painful experience breaks me to the deepest roots of my Faith. Those times that I don't want to remember anymore but keeps on bugging me every night. The darkness that wraps my heart and the fear that keeps me hunting when there is no light. Tears that are invisible to my eyes but my heart was crying out loud of that pain. 

It became painful because of fear of how you will deal with it.

But also during the Lenten days, I was listening to this music entitled Lord, I Offer My Life to You. 

This song was really striking. Its like the pain I was carrying was broken into pieces and its starting to give space and now its like I can breathe. Its like the song was really saying that I offer my life to Him, my days to Him. The first stanza really fits to what I want to do. "all my regrets, my joy and my pain" "things in the past, things I've seen, all of my hope, all of my plans...." these words gave meaning not only to my ears that are listening at that moment but also my heart.

I know its not easy to take away the pain that I felt. I know its not easy to offer everything without thinking of  doing something that will ease the pain. But if there are no possible ways of resolving it with my own power. Then, I should turn back to YOU take that steps back to you. 

I will learn to offer and surrender this pain. If breaking me so that you can go through with me, then I think its time for me to allow that. 

I just realized now that I was too afraid of the things that was unknown to me, it was like the clock was ticking and all I can think is to spend every minute, hour and days. But now, I'd rather be it like that, to remain of the unknown and of what it will be that is going to happen.

This is the first time I celebrated Lenten season in the house. Resolving the pain was not that easy but I will try. I want to take away the pain.

So help me God.