There are times when I feel that the entire spotlight is in me. Then it’s like a captured videos running around me. I see myself back when I was just a child. Memories with my siblings are all coming back then I start to count those memories that are like videos revolving around me. After counting the videos-like memory with my siblings I just bow my head and sigh, I can only remember five.The first one was that I was with my brother; I was four or five years old then, we watched a movie in the cinema. But we watched separate movies and after I watched I waited outside the movie house. It took him so long so I decided to take a walk, stroll within the mall, and ride an escalator all by myself. When I went back to Dunkin Donut (just 15 steps from the movie house), where I and my brother agreed that we would meet after the movie; he was so angry when he saw me.I was so afraid then because he might scold me and he indeed because he was so worried. I was not there standing or sitting waiting for him. So I just cried and my brother gave me an ice cream and I stopped crying. Then we went home, we rode a bus going to our town. When we finally reached the bus terminal, my brother told me that we will not ride a tricycle going to our house instead we would walk because he had no money anymore. I was wearing my red jacket while we were walking. Then we reached Azucena Street, three-blocks away from our street. My brother carried me; he put me on his back and started walking. All I can remember was that we were walking and then we reached the house; maybe I was sleeping then when my brother carries me that time.Second, it is like a video rotating around me and just stops in front of me. It was so funny because as far as I can remember my sister always made me cry. My second memory was I think I was around four-year old also. My sister was in-charge of me to help me in taking a bath. I remembered our CR then was not yet finished. My brother and father were still constructing it. My sister helped me that time, while taking a bath she brushed my toe nails, finger nails, scrubbed my back and shampooed my hair. After taking a bath we went to our room, my sister was trying to figure out what dress I would wear although I would only be staying on the house. She always told me, “Kai-kai, pag pajama ra aron dili ka masamad (wear your pajama always to avoid scars).” Then I would get mad at her because I want to wear short pants and she would also get mad and I would start to cry. Then our father would go to our room and scold us both. Then my sister would hug me because I was crying more because our father scolded us. Ahmm… I could remember if I wore pajama or shorts after that. all I could remember was that when my father was scolding us, I was naked.Third of video-like memory and the funniest. When I was young my brother and my sister teased me “Budlat Mata” meaning I had big eyes. That would always make me mad and they would just laugh. Maybe because it was nice to see when a younger one gets mad when you tease her/him. Anyways, I was five-years old at the moment, we had this karaoke and my brother and sister always listened to FM or cassette tapes of Bon Jovi, etc. It was I think Saturday, my brother was there at the house and my sister was cleaning our house and mama was in the backyard.My brother called me he told me that I should listen to the radio because a DJ will greet me. So young and innocent, I was so excited because a DJ would greet me. Then here it goes, the DJ was airing advertisements and greetings. Then the DJ said “Hi to Cash Budlat Mata.” Cash is my nickname at our town, relatives and friends used to call me that. I was so angry with the DJ and our karaoke. I even told my mama about that and I asked my mama how did the DJ knew the “Budlat Mata.” Only my brother and sister knew it. I was really mad at that time, I even cried in front of my sister because of that.Then finally when years passed, I was already 10 years old and my siblings went away to study and work. I was left alone with my mother, then one day I was cleaning our house when I saw the Karaoke. I thought the karaoke was not functioning but when I turn on the power I can still hear music. Then at time I was angry again because I remembered that DJ who greeted me “Budlat Mata.” But then I found out that my brother was just making joke or fun. I found out that there was a cassette player there and one function was to record voice or any music. Then I remember we had a microphone that was the time I found out that my brother recorded his voiced and put it in the player. He played it when the DJ was about to end his greetings.After that I was laughing and I told my mama about that one. I could still hear their voice laughing at me. so nice to hear even the sound of how I cried during that day, I missed that. It was like I wanted to hug that moment, catch it and put it in an empty bottle and sealed it.So that I can watch it time to time. It was indeed a happy moment for me, we were all in our house.Fourth was so sad and I can’t even tried to hide that memory. It keeps flashing back on me. It was when the day my father was called by Our Creator, I was eight-years old then. All I could remember was we went to a dentist at that morning, me, my papa and mama. My brother was sleeping in the house when we went to the dentist. After we went to the dentist we went home because my papa and mama would attend a meeting in my school, that was Sunday 2pm to be exact. My papa forced me to come with them but I refused because I can still feel the pain of my tooth. After they left my brother wake up and eat his lunch. While he was eating he was so angry with our puppy, Johnson, my papa’s favorite pet. The puppy kept on barking and my brother was really getting angry. When he was about to go outside and about to scold the puppy, a car stop by in our house. It was my two aunts, they pick up my brother. They said something to my brother and then my brother washed his hand and get dressed. My brother told me, “mubalik ra ko. Diri lang ka. Ayaw og hawa. Ayaw pasulod og tao na dli nimo kaila ha (I’ll be back. Just stay here and don’t entertain strangers).”I was so blind what was really happening. Until my aunt pick me and brought me to the funeral home where I saw my mama and she was already wearing the wrist watch of my papa. When I saw the wrist watch in my mama’s hand I knew at that time that my papa was called already. Then my mama hug me so tight and I don’t know how I felt that time, it’s like I was looking for an answer but my mama and kuya could not give me the answer. When the body had already delivered in the house, I saw my brother crying so hard in our room. He was exerting all his force at the wall and cabinets. I did not cry for I don’t understand yet. It was like a puzzle, it was like all that I saw were clues that were trying to help me answer the question which I never though of. It just pop-up on my mind. Then when my brother saw me watching him, he went to me and just hug me tight.The fifth one, I can’t remember the details but what I can remember was that we were having a vacation after my father died. The four of us went for a vacation, since I am the youngest, they always carry me. If I would sleep in the bus, I would lye down on the lap of my mama, kuya and ate while they are also sleeping but in a sitting position. I could not remember the other details but what I like most is that we were complete at that time. That was incredible because I think that was the last time that we were together. I could not remember any memories where we are all present.My sister always tells me that sometimes we need to compromise and sacrifice. Maybe what my sister is telling me can be applied to science. The equivalent trade, the law of conservation. When you want something there should always be in return. My sister might not believe it but the sacrifices of my siblings and mama have in return, we had a better life. Equivalent trade: my sister has been a lot of sacrifices that is why she is now successful. Equivalent trade: my brother tried his best to find work and all his efforts are being equalized by the job he got. Equivalent trade: mama has been strong to us and kind that is why she gained what she dreams of, that all her children will be professional.Sometime people may have to do sacrifices in order to gain something that is the equivalent trade. Human beings are composed of carbon, calcium, iron, phosphorous and other elements that we get from the nature, equivalent trade, when we die, we eventually end up buried in the soil. We will be decomposed and again give nutrients to the plants that give nutrients to the human beings. Equivalent trade is really be maybe the theories of this? The memories are like implanted by our love ones. It is like keeping as solid, like a matter, if the memories are gone it is like human are in gaseous form already. Particles are away from each other and it become invisible already._-so much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost. it is out of reach.-
Posts
