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Friday, October 15

50th Day - My 365 Days

50th Day:

Lights off and tears were there...

After office hours I was invited by a friend to go to a place named "Landayan." I thought it was a place where there are some restaurants but then when we arrived it was place where a Churh is located. Every Fridays many of the devotees go to that place to hear the mass.

We were walking in the crowded streets going to the Church. My colleague told me that the Church is air conditioned but when we arrived there were no electricity. We did continue to hear the mass hoping that the electricity will be back. But then until the mass ended there were no electricity.

I have been invited to mass as a companion of my colleague but its like it was intended for me. Its been awhile I have not heard mass but that mass crashed my heart. The crowd were singing "Our Father" and I was crying when hearing it until the whole time it was finished. Gladly, it was dark my colleague was not able to see my tears because she thinks that everyone was sweating because of the atmosphere.

Then when we went out the electricity went back and my feelings become lighter. It was like I felt little relieved from the sorrows of my heart.

Entering the dark church was just the same on how I feel. I felt the sorrow and the unwantedness of this life for the past few months. When I imagined how I entered the Church, it was the feelings I have. There were only few candles to light the church and thats what I felt. It was like there were few lights when I was in the dark side and too many people in the Church like too many people knew and surrounds me but still I was feeling alone and being neglected.

The feeling of no matter how many times you smile, there are still tears inside of you that no one can see. No matter how you ask for help, no one can hear you, no matter how you pretend you're alright still when you are all alone you can't see anymore the beauty of life.

I did not pray when I was inside the Church. I just sat there and do the same symbolic rituals but then I have forgotten the basic prayer recited during the mass. I kneel down and sing.

But then I don't know what happened, my tears starts to roll down on my cheeks and I was sobbing for no reason. Somehow, it felt better compare to before.

And when I went home, I realized that I was listening with my heart and I hear all the complains and pains. And all I can think was that, "there is nothing else I can do."

"I don't know where I'm going" before but now "I know where I'm going."


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